against the grain.

I've been up and down lately.

I've changed a lot in my life in the last year and as insanely happy as I am about some of the new things I'm up to... I've had some moments of extreme heartache. I've had some terrifying nightmares. And I've woke in a cloud of anxiety that overwhelms with every filling breath.

I accidentally saw the aftermath of a terrible accident a few weeks ago after a trip up north. It was unexpected and it shattered me. My heart broke, my veins withered, I felt something for an unknown other that made me so fully aware, yet so deeply hidden. My chains, pulled, tangled, drawn. I cried. I mourned the rest of the way home... and now even as I sit here, telling the world, I'm struck again.
(Indy is now trying to climb my body to fill me with his kisses. He hates when I cry. He offers every part of himself to aid me in emotional recovery. I love him for that. The world gave me him for that reason, I just know).

I do have to say here though, some of my heartache is unreasonable. Last week, I wished that my sister wasn't married yet, only so that I could relive her wedding. It was one of the happiest days of my life and just thinking about it being over, being done, all of the memories, the seam-popping amount of happy, it made me cry my whole way home from work. I was completely full that night. Happiness, love, joy to the brim.
I don't know if I convince myself that I will never find that feeling again, or if I'm just overwhelmed with the idea that life can hold such days of treasure, but sometimes it leaves me lost. Quiet. Dreaming. Hurting. I'm thankful for you. For reading. For making me feel like there's connection. Hoping that I'm speaking to others that may know this deepness of feeling. I can only hope you've had days as sweet as these.

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Changing the tone here a little, and having to do with this feeling of thanks, the winner of my instagram contest:

Congrats!!
Please send your info to hello@ashleyweber.com
I am so thankful for your submission!

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One last change of pace here before I rest for the night (there's a huge, busy, buzzing day waiting for me tomorrow) I just came home from the annual, amazing, largest gem show in the world (literally), the Tucson Gem Show and I can't can't can't wait to show you what I've found... though I'm having a little regret that I didn't drop a little more dough of some beauties I saw the first day, but I came home with a crazy array of mouthwatering lovelies.