against the grain.

Some days I feel inadequate. So helpless against all of the forces in this world that are constantly working against all of us. Some days, I just want to be invisible. Not only in sight, but in word...and thought. Nonexistent if you will.

Days that I feel like this, I usually take part in what seems to be a ritual of taking it as deep as I possibly can. I don't know if this is humility or self loathing. Is it possible that it is both? Maybe I just want to get rid of all of the negative feelings all at once..in one day. So I beat myself up until I have nothing left to be upset about. Self loathing.

I continue to look at other artists work and compare myself. Wonder why I'm not. Wonder why they are. Wonder if they're ever wondering that about me. Wondering if I'll ever make it to the top. Blah blah blah, I sound like a big, dumb baby. And just as I have typed this, I realize that I should be thankful. Thankful for my skill, for a brain that allows me to grow, for hands that listen to my mind, for a heart that wants with every beat. Just writing this blog gives me so much clarity. My diary to the world. Thank you for being here.
I'm starting to sound bi-polar here. Maybe that's why it is one of the most over-diagnosed disorders of this time.

Maybe I need to start meditating: Be thankful for the abilities, of which you have, that differentiate you. A persons creations are never better than another unless you, yourself, mentally assign qualities, of which, you believe to be more valuable than the fire in your heart.
Am I convincing anyone here?
Some mornings I just stand out in my yard- eyes closed, face up to the sun, and I try to not have one single thought in my head. My neighbors probably think I'm crazy...with all this jibber jabber, you may be thinking the same thing. I'm ok with that. It's helpful, you should try it.
Do you think there is any creature on this earth that lives a 100% peaceful existence? Maybe only if every creature were a herbivore...good bye food chain! I don't think so.

I doubt this needs to be said, but I am full of thoughts these days. My blog probably shows that... All of my once simple posts have become strange, random thoughts, questions on life and mind.

I've been sketching a lot. Putting the thought to paper and out of my mind. Laying to rest the things I no longer feel are meant to be questioned over. My mind feels loud and I've been thirsting for some quiet peace. Today is that day. Flushing the thoughts of old and planting the new.